The Rogue Hunter by Lynsay Sands
Okay, the pages you want are: 116 (almost), 154 (kissing), 191 (almost AGAIN), 259 (almost, seeing the pattern?), 268 (ALMOST), 287 (at least they got to oral), 293 (FINALLY), and 358
How far do I want to fling it?: Depending upon the mythology used, this needs to be flung into the center of a body of water, where it can burn.
I truly do not understand the purpose of this book. The sex scenes, when they happened, were nothing to write home about. The little action there was was idiotic at best. I give kudos on trying to branch out with the body types of the main character, but referring to her as Olive Oyl was just tacky.
The Main Character: Samantha Willan (Sam), skeletally thin, blonde, workaholic lawyer, who is on a vacation with her two sisters. She has some weird health issues, which are never explained in this book (in one of the next ones, they just gloss over it that she’s over it now WTF?)
The Love Interest: Garrett Mortimer, vampire cop, 800 years young, and somehow gets stuck at a beach while hunting for another vampire that’s gone rogue. I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes.
I honestly am not sure how to sum this up. There are so many stories going on. Firstly there’s the overworked, underpaid sisters who finally get a getaway together only to have 3 hot vampires move into the mansion/cabin next door. Second, there is a rogue vampire on the loose biting random people, including the sisters, which the 3 hot vampires are here to catch. Third, there is the budding romance/almost fling between Sam and Mortimer (couldn’t they come up with a decent nickname for the poor guy?). The dude gets pretty jealous, but you’d think after eight centuries of reading dudes dirty minds, he’d be used to that kind of shit. Fourth, Sam’s boss’s goddaughter goes missing and she must deal with inept country cops to attempt to find her. Fifth, the mystery of what their writer/caretaker of the lake does while they are away. All this is going on while Sam is attempting to put her life back together after being dumped by her high school sweetheart. He sounded like a real winner. This is actually making my head hurt again just typing these out. I think that’s all the story lines. I feel like I’ve just untangled a kite.
There is so much going on and hardly any of it is sex. Seriously?? The sisters start off skinny dipping when the guys arrive, because that’s what girls do on vacation with their sisters, right? *painful eye roll* The power goes out (because apparently this is on the set of a horror movie) and they have to team up with the vampires so they don’t ruin their vacation supplies. Needless to say one conveniently broken generator later they are all buying new groceries (and blood) when Sam’s boss’s goddaughter goes missing. She’s an ersatz spoiled rich kid, Sam and Mortimer check it out (seriously, nothing on a good nickname in 800 years for this guy??) and find a half eaten sandwich and the door open. Stereotypical keystone cops “look into it” while Sam and Mort try to get into each others pants with constant interruptions. I’ll get into that later. The author then realizes she forgot most of the other stories, make the cops do their job, they find the girl, and Sam and Mort go back to the cabins completely forgetting about the rogue vampire. They maybe mention this guy 4 times in the book and look for him seriously twice, I think. It’s like getting Officer Barbrady from South Park to do any actual detective work. “Move along, nothing to see here.” Maddening. It then appears they get bored writing this thing or the ghost writer was under a deadline because the book abruptly ends with an absolutely idiotic ending. I’m not ruining it because I’m trying to block it right now. It’s not gory or gross, it’s just stupid and mundane. Apparently even the paranormal hate paperwork.
Okay as for the sex scenes, I’m pretty pissed off. I think this may be the writing equivalent of edging. They nearly get it on so many times that I’m sure this proves vampires get blue balls in this case. These are the things that interrupted them from getting it on: Her sisters, leeches, a carload of frat guys, a freakin’ bear, a missing person, and a cop. Apparently the oral was too good for them to continue on the final almost sex scene. I’m extremely frustrated by this author, she has good descriptions and I love the foreplay, but not one of her male characters has gotten over four pumps in before they finish. I get it, not everyone likes penetrative sex. However, a lot of Romance Novel readers do. Isn’t it rule number one of the writer’s commandments “Thou shalt know thine audience”? So, make with the goods sweetie, your readers will appreciate it.
To sum up: Brokenhearted Sam goes on vacation with her sisters, winds up looking for her boss’s stupid relative, doesn’t get laid A BUNCH, finds a “rogue” vampire and then finally get together with her Prince Charming Vampire. PICK ONE STORY PLEASE!
The drinking game: HOT, Seriously, everything in this book is described as hot. The dudes were hot, the burgers were hot, and the temperature was hot. You’ll be dead 20 pages from alcohol poisoning in if you pick that. Passion would work too. Also, she describes something as a “passion storm”, you must finish your drink when you read that. Well, after you stop laughing.
Teetotalers: Family, pick that work and you won’t be drinking much. Even though she’s up there with her sister, they don’t mention the word family at all. Not even the vampires mention family. I found that kind of odd.
To Fling or Not to fling? 